Love - Adult Child of An Alcoholic

Hi, my name is Bonnie and I’m now 28 years old and I am the adult child of an alcoholic.

I think looking back my Mum had always liked to party, but not in a way that negatively affected either of our lives. I just remember her going out at the weekends when I was with my dad. I remember her love for dance music and just dancing in general really.

I can’t remember an exact age when I noticed that my mother was an alcoholic, but it was in my teenage years. There wasn't one particular defining moment, it was more of a gradual decline which included the reliance on alcohol.

I think her problems really began when she was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2012. She had lost her own Mum to breast cancer too whilst she was still at secondary school. I know she had always carried that with her throughout her life.

She and her siblings didn’t receive any counselling or help regarding their mum’s journey with cancer. I think that when she then got diagnosed herself, she just felt history was going to repeat itself and it would get her at some point.

Over the years, and even then, being in remission from cancer, she told me it felt like a waiting game and with each six-month check-up scan came the feelings of extreme worry and distress. She was then diagnosed with cancer again, which this time was terminal with a year prognosis at best.

During this time, she had also started to be admitted to the hospital for seizures, which we were unaware were related to her drinking.

At this time, I was aware she was drinking a great deal but I felt alone in this knowledge as she was still holding down a good job and from the outside people were unaware of how much she was suffering mentally and physically.

My mother knew she had an addiction. I don’t think she was necessarily in denial; I just don’t think she wanted to admit to what she would believe to be a weakness. She seemed to believe it was something that she would be able to sort herself.

Over the last 5 years, her health greatly deteriorated and she was admitted to the hospital regularly for having seizures, jaundice and for various other health issues related to the drinking and to her cancer.

She did get a space in residential rehab in 2019. Initially, she was unable to go due to failing one of the admittance health exams due to her cancer, which really upset her. However, roughly a week later this issue was resolved and she was given the go-ahead medically.

Whilst she attended the residential rehab she was in very high spirits. She made friends and from her letters and occasional calls, I really did think she had cracked it this time. When we went to pick her up, she was incredibly upbeat, and a number of people she had befriended whilst in there came to see her off and share their well wishes. I’m not entirely sure what the aftercare plan was going forward, but it wasn’t long after that that her health again deteriorated due to the cancer and I had suspicions that she was drinking again.

Ultimately, I think when she was given a terminal diagnosis despite fighting cancer with everything she had, it made her instead rely more heavily on the drink. In a cruel twist of fate, she died due to alcohol abuse in May 2020. It wasn’t even the cancer that got her in the end. She had defied her terminal ‘one year at best’ prognosis for another three.

My mother’s alcohol abuse affected my life in every way possible. Addiction manages to make its way into every aspect of life. I lived very on edge and in survival mode, I used to panic excessively if my phone rang unexpectedly or I hadn’t heard from her. I was obsessed with the thought of her having a seizure and not waking up, or just not waking up in general really. It’s really hard trying to live your life when you feel like you're living a double life made up of worry and stress.

I remember watching my mum have an awful seizure, in another country, and not believing she was going to make it. I was heavily pregnant at the time and we had just landed in America (she hadn’t had an alcoholic drink in over 12 hours). She ended up getting taken to the hospital unconscious with my partner, and myself and my two children got a cab to the hotel. I didn’t sleep that night.

The thing is, I constantly tried to help my Mum. There were so many times when I gave her an ultimatum and we didn’t talk for a day or two. This would never last long though as she would always contact me and be genuinely apologetic and I loved her too much to cut her off completely. I did feel like I had reached a breaking point with the drinking many times, but I could never give up on her so I just continued to hope for the best and try to stay positive.

When reflecting on my life as a child of an alcoholic, the immediate feelings and emotions that come to mind are that of being isolated and having shame. For so long I felt so much shame regarding my Mum, and to a degree I probably still do now. I think I always felt I had to protect her through fear of people judging her.

For others who may be in a similar position to me, I would express how strongly it’s not your fault, and that no matter what happens it will never be your fault.

Also, as hard as it is, try to be open and talk to people and not be scared of what others will say or think. There are actually so many people suffering in similar ways behind closed doors. If everyone talked about addiction like they talk about physical illness a lot more people could get the help they need.

I have joined some groups online that deal with alcoholic parents, however, I found these interactions quite difficult. Many people seemed to have extreme hate for their parents and what they had been through. I can understand to a degree but I find it hard to comprehend as I never witnessed my Mum being horrible or angry or any emotions similar to that. I also wholeheartedly believe that no one plans to become an addict and instead it’s much more helpful in the long run to understand that it’s an illness just as much as any other.

I now have a family of my own, I am also currently studying for a degree in psychology. My motivation to carry on is my three children and funnily enough, my Mum. Although she had her own problems, she was without a doubt an incredible mum who unfortunately was just struggling herself. She taught me so much, about love, strength and just enjoying life. Despite the things I’ve witnessed in the last few years, this is such a small proportion of my life and not the part that I want to influence the rest of mine and my children’s lives. I also hope with what I’m studying that one day soon, I will be able to help others in a positive way.

If you have been affected by Bonnie's story and are seeking help and support do not hesitate to contact our specialist team.